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liling.bun.lumpy.jerray
I'm not your typical kind of girl.
I'm being classified as weird, cranky, horrible-looking, man-like person
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colors: uneasy hearts
bullet img: outspoken kate
lyrics: SEAMO // cry baby
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memories
Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I've been going blog-hopping and reading my friends blogs.
They have been rather depressed, from what i've seen. But they are different when they are in school and in blogs.
As for me.... i don't really like anyone to worry for me, so i tend to put on a mask to school. There were severals times where i cried in school, when someone trigged the button while i was trying to keep it low. There was once where Mrs Kaan as if i was alright, and wanted to see me personally. I just told her i was fine, but my voice changed when i was halfway through. I couldn't take it anymore and began to cry when i went back to my seat. People around me did not realised as i had covered my face with my arms, until Kleo came and sat beside me. Like i've said, i don't really like people to worry for me, or to see my the other side, thus, i smiled and told her i was fine. If i could remember, Jeannette and Emilyn were around me too.

Kleo send me this sms which i did not delete from my handphone.
Dated: 19/05/06 (10.57 pm)
Hey funky girl, i hope you're feeling better.. no mt happened. i'm still your friend so your world doesn't collapse! smile!. What happened to you anyway.

I didn't told her what happened actually, just told her that i was very stressed. ( 70% is because of that). Seriously, i read that message and i cried. It gave me a lot of encouragement. Thanks kleo.

There was another time when i really screwed my A maths paper during mid year. I broke out in cold sweat in the middle of the exam, and nearly broke my specs in frustation and stress. I couldn't take it at all. When the paper ended, i waited for meiling. Before that, i was fighting back my tears. But, when i told her, i started to cry. I really couldn't take it. And so many people surrounded the table. ( Verillyn, chuin sin, hui yi....). Quite embrassing though. haha.
My tutor somehow reprimanded me on the phone, and i nearly cried especially when you are already very disapointed with yourself, and someone adds another load of disappointment to you. This really sucks.

Last year, i faced discouragement from my relatives. Yes, relatives. They were somehow predicting that i would retain for the year. I don't know if i shared this with all of you, but i told my tutor, she's one of my closest friend and a mentor. Once again, i fought back my tears, but in vain. I just cried in front of her. The feeling of being depised by your relatives isn't very nice you know. Adding i got a scolding from my aunt when she was tutoring me for POA. Damn, she used a comparison of me and my dad. You should know i sad i'll feel. But it somehow woke me up.
However, this doesn't determine that they aren't bias. They are, towards my another cousin. Reason: We are not that well-off. Maybe, it's only my point of view, but i can really see it.
I'm really sick of this and i bet they are gonna go comparing again, cause 3 of us are taking Os this year.
Remedials are really driving me to the wall. So is school, maybe one day if i really can't take the pressure, i might jump.I've given a thought about it before. Haha. maybe.
But, i'll prefer to fight it all the way.
jae byebye.